The Breaking Point

The thing about growing up is that it's really, really hard.
And just when you think you've gotten the hang of it, a cruel reminder slaps you in the face.
It's been a weird year as I've started this adventure into the so-called real world.
I don't know that it's necessarily harder than I expexted, I knew what I was getting myself into. But it's been the things I didn't quite process that I've found the most difficulty.

It's in work, when there's so much going on and so much to handle all at once. So many things to learn and piece together (because after all, I'm just a kid) all while still learning to not take every little thing so personally. Trying so hard, but knowing you'll never be able to please everyone completely perfectly...

It's in finding out your best friend will be moving and dammit, I'm tired of trying to make new friends because mine all keep leaving Logan...

It's in dating and trying to not be overwhelmed, all while being just so over it all (Men are confusing and evidently impossible to understand), especially when I'm trying to try harder and put all that I can into it and why, oh why can't it just be easy??

So I'm going to eat this ice cream, have a good cry on the floor of this hotel bathroom (classy, right), take a shower and go to sleep so that I can wake up and pretend like none of this ever happened.

In the meantime, I'll remember the things are going well and make me feel good...

That I've gone through things before and gotten to the other side just fine...

That I don't have to be perfect. I'm trying as hard as I can, and that's all I have to expect of myself.

That I don't have to do any of this alone.

This is one of those posts that I can never decide if I'll share on social media or not. And if I do, it's one that will probably end up being deleted. Because this isn't a plea for help or sympathy, or even understanding. It's simply a way to attempt to piece my feelings together, in hopes of coming to answers of my own. So if you do see this, thanks for listening. You're wonderful and I'm seriously so lucky to have you in my life.

Looking Back & Moving Forward

What was it Charles Dickens said? It was the best of times, it was the worst of times?
Maybe that's a little bit over-the-top, but that's kind of how I feel about 2014.

There were a lot of laughs and a lot of smiles.
A lot of excitement and a lot of pride in accomplishing things I've always wanted.
There were a lot of tears and a lot of frustration and confusion.

It's just one of those things. I mean, that's how life works, isn't it?

2014 was a year of learning for me.
It was full of experiences that taught me what I want - and what I don't want - in life, in love, in so many things.

Bring it on, 2015. I'm ready for you.
Please be full of adventures, happiness and more to learn.

ghost of christmas yet to come

hey you... it's been awhile.

as i sit here, christmas winding down, i can't help but look forward to future christmases. i absolutely can't wait to do holidays as our little family. playing Santa for our littles sounds like the most magical thing. i can't wait to spoil you and them with the things that make you happy.

the baking and decorating and cooking and eating for days on end, sign me up. i want to spend the day watching movies and playing games and taking naps and enjoying our families.

it's a normal thing, I'm sure, but holidays alone are getting hard. every year i find myself saying "next year, for sure. i'm almost there." i'd sure like to believe that this time.

wherever you are, know that i think about you often. i'm excited for all these christmases yet to come!

Simply Trying

It's funny how life works. 

Satan is a tricky fella. 

He knows when we're at our weakest and when we're trying our hardest to be strong. 

Just when you set your mind to something, realize you need to be better, or really make any sort of commitment that goes against his plan, he comes swooping in. 

All at once you're attacked - both with the things that have always been your struggles and with the temptations you didn't know you had. 

Sometimes you show him who's boss, but you know what? Other times you give in. You let him win. 

Luckily, Heavenly Father is kind of the man. 

He gets it. 

He knows we're not perfect. He knows we're trying. 

He wants to help us and wants to get us through it. 

Just because things haven't necessarily gone the way you hoped or planned doesn't mean it's the end of the world. 

He didn't set us up to fail. 

He doesn't want us to be miserable. 

Sometimes you happen upon talks that you know you've read or heard, but they just hit you completely differently at other points in your life. That was how it went with this one... (I'll embed it later when I'm not on my phone, but it's excellent. Watch it.) 

The Hope of God's Light, Dieter F. Uchtdorf --- http://youtu.be/aOfg6NxUBkk

"Yes, we will make mistakes. Yes, we will falter. But as we seek to increase our love for God and strive to love our neighbor, the light of the gospel will surround and uplift us. The darkness will surely fade, because it cannot exist in the presence of light. As we draw near to God, He will draw near to us. And day by day, the hope of God’s light will grow within us, “brighter and brighter until the perfect day.”

Anyway... There's today's ramble. 

It's good to know that everything will be alright, you know? Things are hard sometimes, but I think that's part of the deal. 

On the one hand though, I'm glad for some of these things that have gone on this last year. 

I've learned a whole lot about who I am, what I do and don't want and what I'm capable of. 

Some of these things have sucked, but they've been good at the same time. I don't actually regret any of it. 

So here we go. Off to work, ready to be better. Ready for whatever may be ahead. 

Short & Sweet

Oh hey babe... 

For a minute, I thought I'd found you. 

Things were complicated, but the way he kept hanging on kept me hoping. 

But then came the talk. I mean, as far as break-ups go, it went about as well as it could, but it's still not a pleasant conversation to have. 

Nothing cuts deeper than hearing "you're not the one." 

Man, that hurts. 

But you know what? This just means I'm one step closer to you. 

I learned a lot over the last year. 

Things about me, things about what I want and what I'm capable of. Things about what I hope for you. 

I'm now a little bit more ready. 

Thanks for waiting. 

Getting There

Every once in awhile I get what feels like a slap in the face from Heavenly Father.

Does that ever happen to you? 

Things just come together or someone says something all right together in this Bermuda Triangle sort of way and it's just like "BAM! Get it together, Megan." 

Lately my priorities haven't been where they needed to be. 

Things were getting in the way and I wasn't doing anything to fix it. 

I got out of habits that I knew were beneficial and blessing my life. 

And while it's not like I wasn't necessarily doing anything wrong, things just felt off. 

I know what I want. I always have. 

For the most part, I know what it takes to get there. 

For some reason, I got sidetracked. 

Between a conversation with a couple of strangers at work and another with a friend, I had a pretty defining few hours. To these people, it was probably nothing. It was just a part of the time spent together and likely wasn't anything that stood out to them. 

But all of a sudden, something changed and I was reminded what really matters. 

I don't have everything figured out. There are still a lot of unknowns in the near future. There's a lot of things that I wish I understood and whole bunch of answers that I'm dying to have. 

It will be alright. 

Slowly but surely, I'm getting there. 

I'm learning things along the way. Wherever I'm going, whoever will meet me there, whatever I'm going to experience - it will all be worth it. 

I've got this. 

My Favorite Weekend

I just really, really love General Conference.
At the end of the two days, I feel refreshed and rejuvenated.
It reminds me of the good in the world and that everything will be alright.
It renews my faith, hope and confidence in myself and the decisions I make.
It reassures me that my Heavenly Father is always there and that His love is perfect and endless.

I get all gooey and chilled inside when I think about the future and the Conferences in it.
I'm so excited to create Conference traditions and memories with my little family.
I can't wait to have a fun night with my girls as we send the boys off to Priesthood.
I look forward to those days and having my own family to raise to love this weekend and this gospel.

Now, I tear up thinking of my future husband, whoever and wherever he may be.
I hope and pray that he's sitting in a chapel somewhere, watching the Priesthood session.
There, whether it's direct words or more subliminal, he's preparing to become a husband and father.
I can't wait to have that constant presence so close in my life.
I pray continually for him as we get closer to finding each other.
I pray that we are using the time it takes to get there to better ourselves and are doing what we need to be doing to create that life together.

After tomorrow, it's another six months of time to get back on track in areas that may be lacking. It's time to re-watch and re-read my favorite talks or the ones that may hold something I missed.
Time to continue to grow and prepare for whatever may lie ahead.