Monday, January 20, 2014

Now What?

I'm sitting here working on "grown-up job" applications and letting my mind wander 100 miles an hour in 1,000 different directions.

I finally had to stop and reward all my efforts with an ice cream trip and a full disc of Gilmore Girls.

Direction #17... I graduate in May. Like, for real. Done, never go to school again, here's a master's degree, go out into the real world DONE.

I'm sorry, WHAT!?

I finally buckled down and started thinking about this whole "career" thing they speak of. I just want to stay working at Utah State. However, I feel like looking into other options and having a back-up plan is the responsible thing to do. And I hear grown-ups do responsible things... And so it begins.

I have moments of pure thrill and excitement when I think about the idea of a real job. It could be really cool to just pick up and go somewhere new. Start over. At the same time, it's very very scary. Like you just want me to up and go somewhere new all by myself and just make things happen!? No thank you.

Speaking of going places... Direction #329...
I want to go somewhere.
I want to go to Ireland and Disneyland and Florida and the middle of the ocean and Hawaii and Chicago and Seattle and Vegas and Arizona and so on and so on.
The thing about a grown-up job is that it comes with a grown-up paycheck.
And with that sort of paycheck, you can just GO.
I need time and money and courage.

Direction #726...
Oh boy... I'm just so OVER IT.
I watched tonight's new episode of  How I Met Your Mother and there was this whole flash forward sequence about driving to the hospital in the middle of the night to have this baby. Ted has gone through all sorts of ups and downs with relationships and life all in search of this girl. They're perfect together. After all this time and all the crap, he's realizing that it was totally worth it. The Mother is all he's been wanting and waiting for and you now what? It's worth the wait.

That's what I want. I'm sick of the games and the confusion and the annoyance of dating. I'm tired of being confused and trying to interpret every last move and word - or lack thereof. I know it will be worth it in the end, I get that. The longer this goes on, the better I'm getting and the better he's (whoever he may be) is getting. But I'm sick of the wait, I just want what Ted is finally about to find. The one that will just WORK.

And that there is my problem. I want everything to be easy. I want all these decisions to be laid out and just there.

Oh, you need a job? Here you go, take this one! Oh, you want a boyfriend/husband/wedding/etc.? Boom! Pick this one! Here's your way to eternity! 

Apparently it's not like that, though. Who'd have thought... 
So here we go. Off on this new adventure they call growing up.