Friday, September 16, 2011

How Do They Do it?

I don't understand the people who go all anorexic on themselves.
This week I accidentally tried it, and let me tell you, it's not fun!

I've always gotten really bad canker sores (like ALL the time, it's not even fair.)
But this was the worst it's ever been.
Hands down the worst pain I've ever been in.
(yes, even more than the time I broke my arms or not bit in the face by my dog.)

I had 15 at once.
Yeah, you read that number right.

They were all over the place - my gums, lips, tongue, everywhere.
Absolute misery.

Due to this infections from hell, I couldn't really eat.
At all.
For like a week.
A week living off yogurt, applesauce, noodles if I was feeling brave.
All I could drink was water and Crystal Light. (no Diet Coke for a whole week!!)

I tried every remedy out there and nothing was working.

Finally, here we are.
I'm down to just one little bitty canker.
I can eat again.
But all my clothes are too big.
Apparently eating 400 calories a day while still working out makes you drop weight real quick.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

The Sharp Knife of a Short Life

I never imagined the words of this song would really be relevant to my life...

Today I got one of the worst phone calls of my entire life. 


Such frightening and permanent words.

It wasn't supposed to go like this. 
I should not have friends taken from me.
Friends who have struggled for so long.

Jessica and I went through a lot together.
When I moved to Tucson, she was one of the ones I clicked so well with.
I was there through her discussions and conversion.
I was there when she changed her mind. 
She was one of my best friends.

Eventually Jess started struggling. 
She got mixed up with the wrong crowd. 
She got into the alcohol and party scene.
She was where she thought she was "happy."
Her life slowly spinning out of control. 

But now she's at peace.
In the arms of our loving Heavenly Father. 

I keep telling myself to stop dwelling on the "why?" and the "what if?" questions. 
What if I had called her on Saturday when I was thinking about her?
Why didn't I see her the last time I was in town?
Why couldn't I help more?

From the moment I left institute talking to my dad, 
I couldn't talk. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. I couldn't process.
I walked around in a daze all day.
I wanted it so badly to be a horrible rumor. Or just a terrible nightmare.
Holding back tears, holding back the anger.
When someone would ask "How are you?" it took all I had to just say "good" and continue on my way to class.
The classes where every professor said something that reminded me of her or of the way I was feeling. 
I'd be ok for awhile, then those awful, scary, permanent words would come back to my mind. 
I'm home now. And the tears are finally coming.

Tonight was for you, Jess. 
Tonight's workout soundtrack was New Found Glory's album Coming Home. The one we listened to every day on the way home from school.
I thought of those drives. The time where we hit the rattlesnake. The time the car broke down on the way home from mutual. 
I came home to find leftover chips from Chili's. Along with the wonderful avocado ranch sauce you introduced me to. 

I wish you happiness.
I wish you peace.
I wish you comfort. 

Love you girl.
Please know that.
Please know you'll be missed. 

look unto me in every thought. doubt not, fear not.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Life in a College Town

I love Logan, that's no secret.
I love that everything centers around the Aggies.
When someone asks, "Did you see the game?" There's no question what game you're talking about.

Today we lost to Auburn.
But we played an incredible game and were winning until the last three minutes of the game.
Later on as I was at lunch and running errands, any person who was wearing an Aggie blue shirt would see mine and strike up a conversation.
At a gas pump, there were five of us talking about the game while we filled up our cars and washed our windows.

Even over a disappointing subject, we came together as a town.
Can't beat that.