Wednesday, September 7, 2011

The Sharp Knife of a Short Life

I never imagined the words of this song would really be relevant to my life...

Today I got one of the worst phone calls of my entire life. 


Such frightening and permanent words.

It wasn't supposed to go like this. 
I should not have friends taken from me.
Friends who have struggled for so long.

Jessica and I went through a lot together.
When I moved to Tucson, she was one of the ones I clicked so well with.
I was there through her discussions and conversion.
I was there when she changed her mind. 
She was one of my best friends.

Eventually Jess started struggling. 
She got mixed up with the wrong crowd. 
She got into the alcohol and party scene.
She was where she thought she was "happy."
Her life slowly spinning out of control. 

But now she's at peace.
In the arms of our loving Heavenly Father. 

I keep telling myself to stop dwelling on the "why?" and the "what if?" questions. 
What if I had called her on Saturday when I was thinking about her?
Why didn't I see her the last time I was in town?
Why couldn't I help more?

From the moment I left institute talking to my dad, 
I couldn't talk. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. I couldn't process.
I walked around in a daze all day.
I wanted it so badly to be a horrible rumor. Or just a terrible nightmare.
Holding back tears, holding back the anger.
When someone would ask "How are you?" it took all I had to just say "good" and continue on my way to class.
The classes where every professor said something that reminded me of her or of the way I was feeling. 
I'd be ok for awhile, then those awful, scary, permanent words would come back to my mind. 
I'm home now. And the tears are finally coming.

Tonight was for you, Jess. 
Tonight's workout soundtrack was New Found Glory's album Coming Home. The one we listened to every day on the way home from school.
I thought of those drives. The time where we hit the rattlesnake. The time the car broke down on the way home from mutual. 
I came home to find leftover chips from Chili's. Along with the wonderful avocado ranch sauce you introduced me to. 

I wish you happiness.
I wish you peace.
I wish you comfort. 

Love you girl.
Please know that.
Please know you'll be missed. 

look unto me in every thought. doubt not, fear not.

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