On Maintaining Composure

Do you ever have those days weeks when it seriously takes everything you have to just hold it together?

Like you're on the brink of losing it but there's absolutely nothing you can do about it.
The worst is when you don't even know why you're feeling that way.
I mean, there's a lot going on, but I'd been feeling good and positive about  everything, but this week has just been HARD.

Tonight it was the stupidest little things and I'd have to walk around the corner or hide in the bathroom to pull it together so I wouldn't just break down by my tables or in front of people. By the time I finally left work, I wasn't even to my car before everything finally just let loose.
I wish I could pinpoint it on one thing - have something specific to blame.
But it's all the little things that add up together... The work, the dating, the future.

So now I'm lying in bed, blogging from my phone. I'm still in my work clothes and I have one of those awful crying kind of headaches. The honest truth is, I probably won't move until morning.

On second thought, I'll probably go make a PB&J and turn on You've Got Mail until I fall asleep. Because as far as I'm concerned, those are the cures to anything.

One of Those Sappy Churchy Posts

I hadn't watched a CES Fireside in a very long time.
I'm usually working or not paying enough attention to know it's even happening.
Tonight I happened to have the night off and have spent the day working from my couch.
I was only halfway paying attention when all of a sudden I heard Elder Holland's voice.
He's pretty good at catching my attention.

"I think that the Lord’s wish for us there, and his answer to our prayer was to get us on the right road as quickly as possible with some reassurance and with some understanding that we were on the right road and didn’t have to worry about it. In this case, the easiest way to do that was to let us go on the wrong road and very quickly know without a doubt that it was the wrong road. Therefore, we would know with equal certainty and with equal conviction that the other road was the right road."
....

"I have absolute certain knowledge, perfect knowledge, that God loves us. He is good, He is our Father. He expects us to pray, and trust, and be believing, and not give up, and not panic, and not retreat, and not jump ship when something doesn't seem to be going just right. We stay in, we keep working, we keep believing, keep trusting, following that same path and we will live to fall in His arms and feel His embrace and hear Him say, 

'I told you that it'd be okay, I told you it would be alright.'"

Ummm OKAY. Just slap me across the face, why don't you Elder Holland? 

It's funny how we hear the things we really need to hear at the time when we REALLY need to hear them. 
It's also funny how other people get what we need to hear without having necessarily told them what we need to know. 

                                 

(she's kind of the best, in case you were wondering)

Things are starting to get real with this whole "finish school and get a grown-up job" thing. 

Every day something happens or someone says something that reminds me that things are falling into place. 

IT WILL ALL BE OK YOU GUYS!

Whatever. 

Sometimes, things don't make sense. You think you get an answer, make your decision and off you go. Then BAM, dead end. But it's fine, because then Heavenly Father, being the cool guy that he is, is like 

"No worries, I got your back. Let's go this way instead."

So here's to the future. We're at that point where some MAJOR decisions are going to have to be made. It's scary, but I think I can handle it. 

The Pro List

I (kind of, sort of, sometimes) believe it when people tell me "oh don't worry, you don't NEED a husband just yet. No rush!" I get that, I really do. While I understand that I'm only 24 and eternity is a really long time, there are definitely some reasons I think it would be nice to have a man around...

• someone to zip up the zippers on the back of your dresses

• someone to eat the leftover food that isn't quite enough to really be worth saving, but enough that you still feel bad throwing it away

• someone to rub the IcyHot in on the hard-to-reach sore muscles 

• someone to reach the cookies on the top shelf without needing to grab a chair

• someone to hang out with

• someone to talk to

• someone to solve the debate of where to eat

• someone to make the "get all the groceries inside in one trip" rule easier to follow 
• someone to just be with
• someone to eat the tomato off your hamburger
• someone to meet you halfway when you left something important at home

• someone to talk about the little things in your day with without feeling like you're trying too hard
• someone to get ready for. or not.
• someone to choose the next movie or tv show to watch
• someone to vent to
• someone to replace the stuffed animals to cuddle with at night
• someone to tell you when you're overreacting
• someone to tell you you're pretty on days you just really need to hear it

The list goes on... In fact, I'll probably come back and add to this one as I think of things.

I'm just... ready.
But it's fine.
It'll be worth it, right? 

Now What?

I'm sitting here working on "grown-up job" applications and letting my mind wander 100 miles an hour in 1,000 different directions.

I finally had to stop and reward all my efforts with an ice cream trip and a full disc of Gilmore Girls.

Direction #17... I graduate in May. Like, for real. Done, never go to school again, here's a master's degree, go out into the real world DONE.

I'm sorry, WHAT!?

I finally buckled down and started thinking about this whole "career" thing they speak of. I just want to stay working at Utah State. However, I feel like looking into other options and having a back-up plan is the responsible thing to do. And I hear grown-ups do responsible things... And so it begins.

I have moments of pure thrill and excitement when I think about the idea of a real job. It could be really cool to just pick up and go somewhere new. Start over. At the same time, it's very very scary. Like you just want me to up and go somewhere new all by myself and just make things happen!? No thank you.

Speaking of going places... Direction #329...
I want to go somewhere.
I want to go to Ireland and Disneyland and Florida and the middle of the ocean and Hawaii and Chicago and Seattle and Vegas and Arizona and so on and so on.
The thing about a grown-up job is that it comes with a grown-up paycheck.
And with that sort of paycheck, you can just GO.
I need time and money and courage.

Direction #726...
BOYS.
Oh boy... I'm just so OVER IT.
I watched tonight's new episode of  How I Met Your Mother and there was this whole flash forward sequence about driving to the hospital in the middle of the night to have this baby. Ted has gone through all sorts of ups and downs with relationships and life all in search of this girl. They're perfect together. After all this time and all the crap, he's realizing that it was totally worth it. The Mother is all he's been wanting and waiting for and you now what? It's worth the wait.

That's what I want. I'm sick of the games and the confusion and the annoyance of dating. I'm tired of being confused and trying to interpret every last move and word - or lack thereof. I know it will be worth it in the end, I get that. The longer this goes on, the better I'm getting and the better he's (whoever he may be) is getting. But I'm sick of the wait, I just want what Ted is finally about to find. The one that will just WORK.

And that there is my problem. I want everything to be easy. I want all these decisions to be laid out and just there.

Oh, you need a job? Here you go, take this one! Oh, you want a boyfriend/husband/wedding/etc.? Boom! Pick this one! Here's your way to eternity! 

Apparently it's not like that, though. Who'd have thought... 

So here we go. Off on this new adventure they call growing up. 

25 by 25

Yesterday I turned 24.

365 days from now, I will be 25. Not only that, but I will be turning 25 on the 25th.

Something about that birthday has always seemed magical to me.
The "golden birthday" always seemed so far away when I was growing up, but all of a sudden it's staring me right in the face.

I'm scared of this whole growing up thing. My whole life I wanted it all to go faster and now I just really need it to slow down.

But like it or not, I'm now in my mid-twenties. I'm not necessarily where or who or doing what I thought I would be at this point in my life, but you know what? That's entirely ok. 

For this next year leading up to 25 I've compiled a list. A list of things I want to do, feel and experience in the next year. They seem individually insignificant, but at the same time, the idea thrills me. I'm excited to see what happens!

1. Go somewhere new. All by myself. 
2. Have some sort of significant cash in my bank account.
3. Watch the sunrise.
4. Pull an all-nighter.
5. Find a new hobby.
6. Completely unplug for an entire day.
7. Read more.
8. Try something new.
9. Develop a cooking repertoire. 
10. Go to the ballet.
11. Splurge on something I probably don't need.
12. Keep a plant alive.
13. Catch a fish.
14. Watch at least the top 10 movies on AFI's 100 Years 100 Movies list.
15. Sew something.
16. Meet someone who will become very important to me. 
17. Learn how to better deal with mornings. 
18. Get my body back to the one I was growing to love and feel proud of.
19. Play the piano more and remind myself why I fell in love with it in the first place. 
20. Become more dedicated in my church habits. 
21. Balance my soda intake with other good stuff (because saying I'd cut Diet Coke out completely is just silly)
22. Go to more of the Utah temples. 
23. Read the Book of Mormon again. 
24. Finish all of the pieces and projects of my masters degree. 
25. Decrease what I owe on my car to at least half of what it is now. 

And there you have it. 25 things to accomplish in the next year. Wish me luck!

The Actual Worst

Here's the thing. Dating sucks. 

And not in the "boys are dumb, don't make this so complicated" way, but in an actual "this sucks, I hate it more than I hate anything" sort of way.

*And this isn't to say this is about one experience or about every experience. Just a generalization.*

I hate the games and the little things involved in making something happen. 

How one or both parties look way too far into things. "Oh! We both like this band!? Clearly we're meant to be!"

And the texting! I hate the texting. 

The trying too hard, the exaggerations about what you were doing at the time you received said text. 

The same old get to know you questions every single time. 

The over-the-top emoticons. 

The too-many compliments that you run out of ways to respond to. 

Ugh. 

I hate first dates. 

And the end of first dates. 

And the after first dates. 

Why can't we just jump to the end? Skip the in-between please. 

Or hey, maybe it's different when both sides are equally interested...? 

Like then the texting and the questions and the everything is cute?

I forget what that's like. 

Lessons Learned

Fast Sundays have never been my favorite.
I get headaches really easily and that is only spurred on by the lack of food and water.
Our whole lives we've been told that we need to fast with a purpose.
However, there have been very few occasions throughout my life that fell around a Fast Sunday or that I felt like would really benefit from a special fast.
Because of that mentality, Fast Sundays are a struggle.

Over the last few months there have been two instances that have completely changed my attitude toward fasting.
My testimony has grown exponentially.

First there was Danny.
Remember that?
I thought that was it. That was the lesson-teaching trial I needed.

Then came Dallin's accident.
Dallin is one of my best friends from high school and we've stayed close since he moved to Logan.
I won't hash out all the details of the last few weeks, but it's been tough.

When he was first taken to the hospital, things looked bleak.
No one really knew what was going on or what the prognosis was going to be.
Everyone came together so quickly in prayer and support for the Wengert family.
The next Sunday after the accident was Fast Sunday.
So many people who know Dallin, along with countless others who don't know him, fasted with Dallin, his family and his doctors in mind.
The Spirit I felt that day was indescribable.
At the same time, I had the sickest, worst feeling in the pit of my stomach at the same time.
I sat in church with the littlest things setting me off in tears but building me up at the same time.

Over the last few weeks, countless miracles have occurred.
There is love and support from literally thousands of people all over the world pouring in for the Wengerts.
Yesterday, Dallin left the hospital.
He went home.
Not even a month and a half after this terrible accident, he is well on the road to recovery.

Today was Fast Sunday again.
Today I again fasted with this story in mind.
However, today was different.

Today was a fast of gratitude.
Gratitude for Dallin's recovery.
Gratitude for Amy's strength.
Gratitude for the doctors and rehab staff who are helping Dallin.
Gratitude for the way people have come together loving and supporting this sweet family.
Gratitude for the impact this has had on me, my testimony, and the rest of my life.

Prayer works. Fasting works. That's all there is to it, you guys.